to grieve together - is to heal together
Grief
The experience of dying, death and grief has changed significantly in Australia due to COVID19. Family and friends now have limited contact with a person who is dying; the number of people who are permitted to attend Funeral services is limited; and those attending funerals must sit 1.5 meters part. These experiences of grief may also be made more difficult by grief related to COVID19 more broadly including the loss of work and social contact and other factors. To help address some of these issues, this page offers the following supports:
- How to help those who are grieving during COVID19
- Considerations when someone is dying
- Care after someone has died.
How to help those who are grieving during COVID19
By Dr Susan Palmer, Founder and CEO Gather My Crew
Grief during COVID can come in many forms. It may be due to the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the forced separation from family, or the inability to celebrate important milestones. It can leave a person shocked, empty, numb, weepy, sad, angry, guilty… and often unable to reach out for help or even identify the help they need. They appear stuck. Too overwhelmed by the situation they find themselves in to be able to coordinate the care they so desperately need.
As humans, when we see someone who is grieving and in pain, we naturally want to help. We say things like… ‘let me know how I can help’ or ‘reach out if I can do anything for you’ or ‘I am here if you need me’. However, while we say these things with the best of intentions, we are not actually offering help. What we are doing is telling this shocked, empty, numb person that, if they want our help, they must identify what help is needed and they must reach out to ask for it. And when you are grieving… well… that is just too much.
At Gather My Crew, we want people who are grieving to get the help they really need. We are working to change the way people offer help. One of the ways we do this is to encourage people to think differently about what they actually say when they are trying to offer help to someone in need.
Gather My Crew is an online platform that helps you coordinate and roster help for the people you care about. Cancer, death, accident, self-isolating, premature baby… you can use our purpose-built technology to bring together friends, family, neighbours and colleagues to look after people doing it tough. Free and easy-to-use, Gather My Crew makes it simple to get the right help to those in need.
Grief during COVID can come in many forms. It may be due to the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the forced separation from family, or the inability to celebrate important milestones. It can leave a person shocked, empty, numb, weepy, sad, angry, guilty… and often unable to reach out for help or even identify the help they need. They appear stuck. Too overwhelmed by the situation they find themselves in to be able to coordinate the care they so desperately need.
As humans, when we see someone who is grieving and in pain, we naturally want to help. We say things like… ‘let me know how I can help’ or ‘reach out if I can do anything for you’ or ‘I am here if you need me’. However, while we say these things with the best of intentions, we are not actually offering help. What we are doing is telling this shocked, empty, numb person that, if they want our help, they must identify what help is needed and they must reach out to ask for it. And when you are grieving… well… that is just too much.
At Gather My Crew, we want people who are grieving to get the help they really need. We are working to change the way people offer help. One of the ways we do this is to encourage people to think differently about what they actually say when they are trying to offer help to someone in need.
- You can learn more about how to offer help here
- If you want to learn how powerful it can be when the right help is offered in the right way, read this
- If you want to step-up to be the person who coordinates and rosters a group of people to provide ongoing support - you can use Gather My Crew's free, Australian, purpose-built platform by clicking the link here.
Gather My Crew is an online platform that helps you coordinate and roster help for the people you care about. Cancer, death, accident, self-isolating, premature baby… you can use our purpose-built technology to bring together friends, family, neighbours and colleagues to look after people doing it tough. Free and easy-to-use, Gather My Crew makes it simple to get the right help to those in need.
When someone is dying
If you have a family member or friend who is dying, you may not be able to be with them because of restrictions on travel and social distancing measures. Here are some suggestions for how you might ...
- Set up group communication: Use technology to set up a link with family and friends to provide updates on the person who is dying and to support each other. This group could also be a placed for sharing how you are feeling, sharing memories and photo. Consider a private Facebook group or Messenger, What's App or Skype group to talk with each other
- Working together: for families (more so than friends) knowing that a family members is dying can place additional pressure on existing relationships. Family tensions or frustrations can flare up. Add in the COVID19 challenges and it may be a volatile mix. Make a decision about how you want to be with your family - own your own stuff (hurt, needs, annoyances) and get your Crew in your corner so you have lots of support. Understand your family (and perhaps your friends) may be difficult to work with given the grief and loss you are all experiencing - but finding a way to do it may make it easier for you to get through the difficult task of saying goodbye
- Connect via technology: link in via video to family or friends who can be there; prepare an audio or video message and ask family, friends or staff to share it
- Virtual presenence: if you are unable to be in the room with a person who is dying, consider items that could be sent to the person to decorate their room - photographs of you, printed messages, items that are precious to them, flowers, aromatherapy
- Identify support services: given the level of grief related to COVID19 and then the impending death of a family member or friend, please consider options for support (see suggestions below)
- Accept help: people who love or care about you may want to support you. Invite them to call, or send food
After someone dies (funeral and wakes)
Current COVID19 restrictions may mean family and friends can't travel to support each other or be present at at a funeral, memorial service or wake. Here are some suggestions for staying connected when you are apart. You may not find any of them useful - but hopefully they may service as a prompt for things you want to consider.
It may be important to plan for support in the longer term. If someone you care about has had a death in the family consider contacting them a week, a month and six months. Create a visual reminder - plant a tree.
- Numbers: if attendees to a funeral are limited - it may be useful to discuss with your family how decisions will be made about who will attend. Those who are unable to attend may then be prioritised for other key roles
- Notifying others: COVID19 has disrupted the way we communicate. Informing friends and community about the death of a community member may be more difficult; and finding out someone you love has died after their funeral is tough. Strategies to make sure friends and community are notified can include: choosing a Funeral Director who has a website and is able to share upcoming funeral notices; putting a death notice in a local paper (or sharing to groups) days before the funeral; having a family checklist of who is to be notified and who will do that. It may also be important to set a guideline to delay posting the information on social media until all family are informed.
- Livestream: check your funeral director is able to live stream or find a company who can do it for you. In Australia costs may be $800+ for funeral service and burial. The filming may be live streamed via the Funeral Directors webpage (if they have one) or YouTube (useful for people who don't have Facebook) or through Facebook. Check what the videographers will focus on during the service, and whether they include the burial. Family and friends in rural areas may have interrupted stream because of limited internet service and this may be particularly upsetting. It may be useful to plan a second live event eg: a week after the funeral to ensure that people who missed out can participate in a group event. Don't expect the quality of the video to be great ... the videographers are focused on keeping out of your way, so it is likely to be a record rather than a piece of art.
- Messages: for people who are unable to attend, sharing messages and memories may be particularly important. Invite family and friends to share a photograph and some text (word limits are important if its for a visual presentation) and gather these into a visual presentation like PowerPoint that can be shown at the funeral or given to family afterwards. Check whether the funeral director has a website and capacity for people to leave message on the website (also check whether they will be provided to family).
- Virtual presence: it may be helpful at the start of a service to share images and names on screen of all the family members who are unable to be there. An alternative is to print out A4 images of each person and place them on empty seats in the funeral venue.
- Viewing online: if you are viewing the funeral online consider setting up a dedication around your device eg: computer. This could include an image of the person who died, flowers, a candle etc. This may help to create a sense that you are attending the funeral. It help people to feel connected if there is an online group (private or otherwise) or text group where family and friends can share photos of their dedication. Getting dressed up as you would do in person can help to create a sense that you are there.
- In person: if you are attending the funeral in person and you are required to sit apart and are not able to touch or hug each other it may be useful to: acknowledge that it feels strange (if it does), tell the person you would like to give them a hug but know you cant (there is still warmth in knowing) and give each person eye contact when you speak to them - to help make that human connection
- Funeral procession: a person in the funeral procession may be able to FaceTime you to share the funeral procession and this may help to feel you are moving towards the cemetery or crematorium together. Family and friends who are unable to be there may be able to position themselves along the route of the funeral procession to say goodbye - this will need to be arranged with the funeral director and communicated with those in the funeral procession
- Funeral or memorial: perhaps it is useful to check the pitch of the funeral or memorial event. Some events provide space for grief and then a celebration; others focus on positivity and hope. Decide what approach you want to take
- The wake: a wake or cuppa or meal after a funeral can be a way of people coming together to refresh themselves (self care) and connect with others to check in they are okay. Hosting a wake online is not the same ... but may still be useful. Plan a wake menu - jelly slice, lamingtons and egg and lettuce sandwiches. Connect online with family and friends to have your cuppa together and to check in. Another options could be to invite your friends on social media to share a cuppa and message with you at a particular time; share an image of your refreshments and invite people to share photos of their cuppas and their messages of support
- Taking care: if you haven't had the support in your own home it may be useful to plan a cuppa or dinner with a friend or your family the evening after the funeral. Putting in place nurturing catch ups like this may help you to feel you have been supported.
It may be important to plan for support in the longer term. If someone you care about has had a death in the family consider contacting them a week, a month and six months. Create a visual reminder - plant a tree.
Templates
Here are some of the templates we have developed that you can share as a post on social media, or you can develop your own. Here are some words you might like to use on social media ... copy and paste these into a word document and adapt them to suit you
"We wanted to let you all know that [write the name of the person who has died here] has died. Our hearts are broken. We are missing the opportunity to grieve with you because of COVID19 restrictions and we would greatly appreciate your messages of support. You are invited to support us in the comments section of this post by: sharing a photograph or a poem or prayer; telling us about how you met, share a picture or some art, make a short film and share it, light a candle and share an image of the candle. This support means a lot to us. Thankyou"
Thankyou to artist Prue Clay for the three beautiful images below.
"We wanted to let you all know that [write the name of the person who has died here] has died. Our hearts are broken. We are missing the opportunity to grieve with you because of COVID19 restrictions and we would greatly appreciate your messages of support. You are invited to support us in the comments section of this post by: sharing a photograph or a poem or prayer; telling us about how you met, share a picture or some art, make a short film and share it, light a candle and share an image of the candle. This support means a lot to us. Thankyou"
Thankyou to artist Prue Clay for the three beautiful images below.
Share your experiences
If you are interested in sharing your ideas and strategies please contact us. A big thankyou to Tonya Beechey for sharing the images and prose from her book Grief: A Landscape of Emotion.
Pulumautau Aupaau
Thank you Lili Maginness who shared the story of her dad dying in a residential aged care home - and his family not being able to be with him. Photo of Lili's dad Pulumautau below and click on image for full story.
Thank you Lili Maginness who shared the story of her dad dying in a residential aged care home - and his family not being able to be with him. Photo of Lili's dad Pulumautau below and click on image for full story.
Thank you 🧡 I lost my Dad while in lockdown. We cldnt be with him in his last hours. A nurse held his hand for us.. We have a big family and 11 here in Australia but only 10 cld attend the funeral. My sister and I swapped half way thru the funeral so we cld all be there. The wake was in 4 different venues, our hotel rooms. 4 of my siblings were in lockdown overseas. Amazingly enough the funeral Director & one staff in Portland, Vic were so beautiful in their support. My heart goes to.all those who hv lost loved ones during this pandemic... I know only too well the devastation of families that went thru this same situation... 🧡🧡🧡 Lili Maginness |

Emma-Jane Stone
My Dad died last Tuesday, quite unexpectedly - it was a terrible shock. We got to say goodbye in the hospital, albeit with mask covered faces (which I guess we should be thankful for, after reading about some extremely sad Covid related hospital goodbyes). With only 10 of us allowed into the little chapel, I wanted to pay a beautiful tribute to the most amazing father, husband, poppy and friend to so many. My Dad lived a wonderful, joyful, happy life filled with adventure, travel, music and friends.
It didn’t seem fitting for him to be sent away in a brown timber casket. Here is the bright, joyful, colourful casket that I painted for him. I can hear him now saying “It’s bloody amazing - I can’t wait to get in!” The time I spent painting was really one the most carthartic experiences I’ve had. I know it is probably one of the saddest times in your life - losing a loved one but I recommend this as a wonderful creative experience that you can do on your own or as a family as a beautiful last tribute.
My Dad died last Tuesday, quite unexpectedly - it was a terrible shock. We got to say goodbye in the hospital, albeit with mask covered faces (which I guess we should be thankful for, after reading about some extremely sad Covid related hospital goodbyes). With only 10 of us allowed into the little chapel, I wanted to pay a beautiful tribute to the most amazing father, husband, poppy and friend to so many. My Dad lived a wonderful, joyful, happy life filled with adventure, travel, music and friends.
It didn’t seem fitting for him to be sent away in a brown timber casket. Here is the bright, joyful, colourful casket that I painted for him. I can hear him now saying “It’s bloody amazing - I can’t wait to get in!” The time I spent painting was really one the most carthartic experiences I’ve had. I know it is probably one of the saddest times in your life - losing a loved one but I recommend this as a wonderful creative experience that you can do on your own or as a family as a beautiful last tribute.
Tonya Beechey
A big thankyou to Tonya Beechey for sharing the images and prose from her book Grief: A Landscape of Emotion.
A big thankyou to Tonya Beechey for sharing the images and prose from her book Grief: A Landscape of Emotion.
Catherine Barrett
During COVID19 I lost two friends and then my dad died. COVID made dad's dying and funeral so much more difficult - because we couldn't be with him when he was dying and because we couldn't be together for his funeral and burial. I learned so much about how to connect while saying goodbye and share some of the strategies on this page. I shared my experiences in a post in the Kindness Pandemic Facebook group and the response was heartwarming (see below). Thankyou to the 15,000 people who sent positive responses. I am also grateful for the journalists who shared stories about the experience of staying connected and saying goodbye including:
During COVID19 I lost two friends and then my dad died. COVID made dad's dying and funeral so much more difficult - because we couldn't be with him when he was dying and because we couldn't be together for his funeral and burial. I learned so much about how to connect while saying goodbye and share some of the strategies on this page. I shared my experiences in a post in the Kindness Pandemic Facebook group and the response was heartwarming (see below). Thankyou to the 15,000 people who sent positive responses. I am also grateful for the journalists who shared stories about the experience of staying connected and saying goodbye including:
- Bianka Farmakis, 9honey: here
- Melanie Whelan, The Ballarat Courier: here
Today we said farewell to my dad. He was 94. He got sick and was hospitalised and became confused and ended up in a residential aged care home. He was not allowed visitors (because of COVID precautions). He died without us being there with him (ouch!). He had 14 children and there were only 10 people allowed at his funeral. At the last minute the funeral director said he couldn’t live stream!!! The heartache goes on. What has made this situation bearable is a series of acts of kindness.
The residential aged care home dad was at was a good one. The staff seemed to truly care. We were able to call him by phone and the staff were so patient with us, and I hope that also meant they were patient with him. Their kindness and caring was a source of great comfort to us, it felt like all the comfort we had, to be honest. When he got sick, they called a GP whose response was also kind and compassionate and he was given medications to make sure he didn’t suffer.
Organising a funeral where some of dad’s children and all of his in-laws and grandchildren couldn’t be there in person was hard. So many of us were hurting and trying to pull together to organise dad’s funeral was painful. Many a tear was shed. Then the funeral director said he couldn’t do live stream unless we did this or that – and finally – that it would be limited or not available at all. We rang a second funeral director who gave us the information to patch the gaps left by the funeral director my parents had contracted – and we were able to make the live stream happen. After the funeral, my siblings called to check in, they FaceTimed me to participate in the funeral procession to the cemetery. Some nieces and nephews formed guards of honour where they could (compliant with COVID restrictions) so they could be part of the funeral procession. There was so much give and take – which is really remarkable because we are all hurting for so many reasons in times of COVID.
After the funeral I reached out to friends on Facebook and invited them to share an online wake with me – by posting pics of cuppas and jelly slice. I was quite taken back by the response and how much it meant to me. I later declared these gestures (and other acts of kindness) to be the thing that enables me to get through this sh*tty virus.
And then this beautiful Kindness Pandemic team. I have had a week off and the team are checking in – and today a hamper of beautiful food arrived. I see how hard they work. They all have their own COVID challenges, but are here because they are committed to social justice and kindness and they know that this is a revolution. I could not do this without them. They work so hard. Are all volunteers and they are changing the world. To you all TKP Team – my deepest gratitude.
I wanted to write to you to share this story, because I want to share with you what kindness means to me. Not in theory – but in real life with puffy eyes and shiny nose and a headache from all the tears. There is so much right now that is upside down and kindness won’t make that turn the right way up – but it may help us get through. That’s what has happened for me.
Thanks for being here and being part of the revolution
Catherine Barrett. Founder, The Kindness Pandemic
Support services
Here is a list of services you might find useful:
- The Groundswell project: https://www.thegroundswellproject.com/
- Australian Centre for Grief & Bereavement: www.grief.org.au or 1800 642 066 (Australia Wide)
- GriefLine: www.griefline.org.au or 1300 845 745 (Australia Wide)
- Lifeline – Loss & Grief: www.lifeline.org.au or 13 11 14
- Australian Government: www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/individuals/subjects/death-and-bereavement
- Contact your GP or Community Health Centre for Local Services
- Gather My Crew: www.gathermycrew.org.au
Contact us
- The Kindness Pandemic, Dr Catherine Barrett: 0429582237 or email: [email protected]
- Jen Walsh, Palliative Care Volunteer Coordinator, Barwon Health: phone: or 03 4215 5700 or email: [email protected]
- Melanie Davies, Clinical Nurse Consultant Barwon Health Palliative Care, phone: 03 4215 5700 or email: [email protected]
Partners
This Campaign is a collaboration between The Kindness Pandemic (part of Celebrate Ageing), and Barwon Health.